Topic: Computer calamities

BT's Home IT Advisor service has revealed its quirkiest conversations with tech-hassled customers.

Anthony Vollmer, head of home IT propositions at BT, told us: "Some of the calls we get from customers have certainly raised a smile."

They include:

Customer: "I keep getting inappropriate pop-ups on my computer and don't want my wife to think that it's me."

Advisor: "I will remove them for you."

Customer: "How do I get them back when she is not in?"

Advisor: "Press any key to continue."

Customer: "I can't find the 'Any' key."

Customer: "My mouse mat isn't wired up."

Advisor: "I'm not sure I understand, your mouse mat shouldn't have any wires."

Customer: "Well how does it know where my mouse is? Is it wireless?"

Customer: "I met a man on the internet, can you give me his phone number?"

Advisor: "You have spyware on your machine which is causing the problem."

Customer: "Spyware? Can they see me getting dressed through the monitor?"

Customer: "How do I change channel on my monitor?"

Advisor: "Your monitor won't have channels like a TV."

Customer: "But I was watching the internet channel the other day and now I just get the word processing channel."

Advisor: "Can you click on 'My Computer'?"

Customer: "I don't have your computer, just mine."

Customer: "My 14 year-old son has put a password on my computer and I can't get in."

Advisor: "Has he forgotten it?"

Customer: "No he just won't tell me it because I've grounded him."

Customer: "My iPod will only play one song."

Advisor: "Which other tracks have you downloaded from iTunes?"

Customer: "Do I need to download tracks?"

Customer: "My family in Australia use BT Softphone, I can see them but they can't see me."

Advisor: "What brand is your webcam?"

Customer: "What's a webcam?"